The Midlife

So, my husband lost his wedding ring this week. And to diffuse the fact that I was initially saddened by the loss, I have been teasing him relentlessly about how he is single (on the outside). I’m hoping it’s just misplaced somewhere in our home and not in the small intestine of our dog Pickles.

The experience has me thinking a lot about dating apps and what my profile would look like, if I were single, again. (Author’s note: In the event I were single, again, I would live a life of complete solitude, much like Rita Moreno. And if you haven’t seen her documentary Rita Moreno: Just a Girl Who Decided to Go for It, I highly recommend it.) Before I landed my fella, I was briefly on OKCupid. I remember reading the profiles of various men and wondering how much was true and what was extremely embellished. It’s such a guessing game. Although, my sister found my amazing brother-in-law on the true to its name Match.com, my short-lived stint on OK was based largely on one date I’d met.

He was nice enough, but I found myself completely distracted by the fact that he had a toupee that gave me Gremlin vibes. No offense to toupees or the impact losing one’s hair has on a male’s psyche. I just wanted to turn to him and say: Hey, do you. Bald is beautiful. But, again, I’m sure these are things needing to wait until at least dates two or three. By the way, lest you think I’m incredibly shallow, there was another deal-breaker at this first date: He didn’t want to have children.

Now, if I were single and on dating apps, I would be extremely forthright to truly weed out the prospects.

Here is my sample profile, in list form:

1. Do you like sandwiches? So do I. Hit me up, if you have a Subway loyalty card.
2. These are things I find to be deal breakers: Bad toupees (just kidding), men who don’t like children, convicted felons, incorrect spelling or grammatic misuses of their/there/they’re, unruly beards, cat people, those without car/dental/health insurance plans.
3. If you live with your parents and you aren’t Hispanic, please don’t hit me up.
4. I’m seeking a partner whose vehicle doesn’t have duct tape holding up a window (that’s just because it’s getting cold out, and I’m sensitive to the cold).
5. By medical charts, I would be considered obese based on my height vs. weight. But I’m well-groomed and stylish. But if you fear a woman who would bury you with love, please don’t wink at or message me.
6. Do you have a diet full of processed foods? Please look elsewhere.
7. Do you read books on a regular basis? I do. If this is a turn-off, your search for love should move on without me.
8. I love long walks on the beach, dogs, fresh breath, a diet rich in whole foods, wine, and coffee.
9. I may be zaftig, but exercise is a priority in my life. It should be one in your life, too.
10. My hugs are considered the eighth wonder.

Now is your turn, dear reader. What are your relationship deal breakers? Please leave them in the comments or email themidlife2021@gmail.com. Wishing you a great week ahead and a blessed Thanksgiving with your loved ones.