The Midlife

If it were only this simple…

I’ve been working since I was 14 years old. So, for 35 years, I have hustled. I have worked long hours. I have counted down days to vacation. I’ve called out sick for real and for mental health days (before they were declared ‘a thing’). I’ve worked for amazing managers who have empowered me to be better (Thanks, Dave!). I’ve also worked for others whose management style sparked anxiety diarrhea and made me bitter (Thanks, Katie!). I’ve been praised, micromanaged, awarded, and written up. And all of these experiences somehow made me funnier, more resilient, and a little bit smarter over the years. What follows is what I imagined took place during some of my past bosses and colleagues’ interviews. I’m poking fun at the most memorable ones for entetainment purposes only. They are written more as an aggregate of folks, not any one person in particular. Enjoy!

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Colleauge #1: Well, where do I begin? I’m a people person. People love to be around me, or at least that’s what I’ve made up in my own head. I was wondering, how many sick days do we get? Because I like to be able to use those days on Fridays before a holiday weekend, just so I can have enough “me time.” Because you know, self care is nothing without time for myself, you know?

Interviewer: What do you think about staying late, if we’re coming up against a deadline?

Colleauge #2: Every day? Um. I can’t. I have to get home to my cats. I’m a cat dude and proud of it. But I guess I can stay a few minutes after shift once in a while. Otherwise, the old Yarn Ball and Chain won’t let me hear the end of it. Is that OK?

Interviewer: Tell me what your thoughts are about teamwork.

Colleague #3: I love being part of a team. Absolutely. I especially love taking other people’s ideas and claiming them as my own. I like to call that Mind Share. I’m always aiming for at least 75% of mind share. And I use meetings as the perfect avenue for tooting my own horn and giving a quarter toot of horn to those that let me mind share their ideas. It’s really a win-win.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Colleauge #4: Not here. Most likely. I don’t like to stay at any job for more than three years, tops. I have too much to offer, you know?! Even though this is my first job, I imagine in five years I’ll be your boss, if I’m being honest. I’m just that good, but you gathered that from my embellished resume. By the way, can you show me where my office is? I don’t want to be presumptious, but I assume I’ll have a corner office with a gorgeous view, amirite?

Interviewer: What do you think about staff meetings?

Colleague #5: I love staff meetings! The longer, the better. In fact, I like to treat every work day as an opportunity to make others attend hours-long meetings where not much is accomplished. Unless you count the act of holding the meeting, that’s an accomplishment in and of itself. Although, I tend to approach these meetings with a Ground Hog Day Strategy. I like to have an urgent meeting, have someone there to take exceptional minutes of the meeting, and use these minutes as a starting off point for the next urgent meeting. We usually take about 30 minutes of a 45 minute meeting to rehash the previous meeting. I like to call this Powerful and Redundant. My last employer said and I’ll quote: You really are something. By something, I can only imagine they meant Cutting Edge Yet Dispensible. So, am I hired?

So, dear readers. I’d love to hear from you. What were your favorite jobs or not-so-favorites? Please consider leaving a comment, sharing my blog with someone, or subscribing (It’s free!). Wishing you all a great (work) week ahead. -C:)