The Midlife

I know I just skipped over Halloween and Thanksgiving, but with retail folks urging the purchase of holiday gifts now (because of manufacturing shortages and mail delivery delays), I thought I’d share my least favorite toys for kids. I know I may offend some with this, but I am prepared to share my reasoning. As always, do what’s best for you and your family. These are cautionary based on my experience with a 7 year old.

• Orbeez. These non-toxic little beads feel like the consistency of Jell-O. They are small yet mighty destroyers of my patience and quite possibly your plumbing. My husband and I bought a small bag, which yielded enough to produce four years’ worth of use. They are small beads that expand and soften once they are submerged in water. Therefore, they were a much-requested companion to bathtime. The reason I grew to hate these monstrosities is because they made draining the bath tub an almost unbearable task. You’re trying to scoop up the Orbeez, so they don’t end up clogging the drain. In the process, they can become crushed and so you’re left with a sloppy mess of Jell-O-like substance amidst the intact Orbeez you save for future use. Exhausted? Yes, me too! But kids love them because they do feel fun and squishy to the touch.

• Play-Doh. Is there anything more distinctive than the texture and scent of Play-Doh? Perhaps no, but my peeve with Play-Doh is what happens after Play-Doh dries. My daughter would make the coolest non-animals she’d call animals with Play-Doh and then insert random Play-Doh into objects such as boxes or other toys with tight crevices. After Play-Doh dries, it becomes rock-like and crunchy. If jammed into the tightest corners, it’s nearly impossible to remove without the use of a knife or other sharp object. The end result? We ended up throwing away the toys jammed with Play-Doh because the dried up Play-Doh made it nearly impossible to play with again, resulting in waste after wasteful waste.

• L.O.L. Surprise Dolls. L.O.L. Dolls stand for Little Outrageous Little. These dolls are a bit like the spawn of a Bratz doll from back in the day. These dolls are controversial because they often wear provocative outfits like belly shirts or mini-skirts. I try not to overthink it, but somehow my daughter (much like other little girls everywhere) love them. My main peeve is the trash they generate. Their selling point is to be unwrapped or unboxed in layers to reveal surprises, including the doll, an outfit, accessories such as shoes and a handbag, in addition to a bottle. With each surprise comes an unwrapping of plastic and plastic and more plastic. It’s basically an oceanographer’s worst nightmare. But, you know, kids love it. And I don’t.

• Talking toys. Toys that talk aren’t bad, except for when their batteries start running low. Then said talking toy starts sounding like a demon talking ad nauseum. Another time talking toys prove annoying? When a simple, sweet message is played over and over and over, again. By the 784th time, the talking toy is bound to drive even the sanest of us to a dark place. The dark place where talking toys suddenly go missing. ‘Til this day, I can still recite one of my daughter’s earliest talking dolls’ favorite expressions: “Mommy, did I make a stinky?”

Dear reader, this is my list. An honorable mention would go to the Lego I accidentally stepped on. Now it’s your turn. What are your favorite or least favorite kids’ toys? Feel free to leave me a comment or an email to themidlife2021@gmail.com. Have a great week ahead!