The Midlife

Last night, I went to sleep pissed off. Just before bed, my daughter made a remark to me about my nose being big, followed by a remark about my body being big. Note: I know they are both big. That’s OK. I lit into her about my body not being her business. That if she had any remarks about my body and those remarks weren’t positive, she could keep those to herself.

I have a big nose. It’s from my Dad. I remember being called Gonzo by my step sister-in-law as a kid and that really stuck with me. I’ve been mistaken for Italian and Jewish because of my nose. I no longer give it weight because some people just say all the wrong things. I could have the bump in my nose fixed, but then I think about how Jennifer Grey’s face looked completely different after she underwent her nose job. Or maybe I just don’t feel like spending that much on vanity.

I just turned 48 years old. There is zero doubt, I don’t have the perky shapeliness that I once had at 25. I started working out in a gym at age 17. I didn’t really lose weight per se; I built muscle. I received a lot of positive feedback about my shape, and while that built my confidence, the praises’ affects were fleeting. My outer appearance has zero to do with whether I’m a good person or not. It didn’t matter if I looked great, which I did at the time; what mattered most was how I treated people. That should be above anything that reads on a weight scale.

Over the years, I have gained weight. And I also maintain a very active lifestyle. I like to eat a lot of good food and a little bad food. And I can ride very intense 45 and 60 minute bike rides. You may not suspect that when first glancing at me. I’m always reminded that we live in a society that makes bigger people, fat people, anyone that is a size 10 or bigger, that they are less than in one regard.

I know my daughter is looking at me for cues in how to carry herself. In many ways, I hope that she retains her father’s slender build to avoid some aggravation. I don’t want her to ever conform to anything or anyone. I want her to look at herself in the mirror and think: I’m hot as hell on the inside and outside. I want her to feel like a kind badass, at any size. I want her to make her own rules.

Most days I accept how I look. I know I will have this nose for the rest of my life. I may lose weight or gain some. I will continue to work my ass off on the bike and off. I will be kind to others and help as many people as I can. I will laugh my butt off, and if there is a little jiggle when I do, that’s nobody’s business but my own.