The Midlife

Is it just me or do you turn on the news with one eye closed, wondering What’s next? I hear you. In the spirit of whimsy and levity, I share my vision if I were Commander in Chief. (Author’s Note: This will not reference any real policies, just goofiness.)

1. Everyone using a vending machine would receive an extra snack or drink with no impact on the vending machine’s bottom line. You can choose to keep the extra treat or share it as a sign of goodwill.
2. Mandatory siestas would be a part of every workplace effective immediately. For those unfamiliar with this beautiful practice I learned about firsthand while in Spain many many years ago, it’s when businesses close for an hour or two for lunch/a nap/extended bathroom breaks, etc. Again, this wouldn’t negatively impact workers or businesses.
3. Whenever you use a public restroom, when you exit you would be transported to the vacation destination of your choice for one hour. You would have the money you needed at your disposal to do anything you wanted with anyone present. Limit to two times a day.
4. All cartons of eggs would be buy one, get one free. When the eggs run out, you are given a bird flu-free chicken to take home.
5. Tax credits would be awarded to the do-gooders who volunteer their time picking up trash and dancing in public.
6. All working parents (including pet owners and caregivers for elderly parents) would get paid time plus one-half for second shifts.
7. The following words and phrases will be removed from all languages: plus-size, anti-aging, underwire, BMI, and new and improved.
8. All news programs would be retitled Some Anxiety and Some Good Stuff. For example: NBC Some Anxiety and Some Good Stuff with Lester Holt.
9. If your name rhymes with Belon Shusk, your permanent role would be as mute circus clown.
10. My cabinet would include esteemed powerhouses such as Mel Robbins, Michelle Obama, Barack Obama, Joaquin Phoenix, Jason Momoa, Stephen King, Taylor Swift, Ilona Maher, and The Gretas (Gerwig and Thunberg).
11. All house down payments would be eliminated after participating in a thumb war, win or lose.
12. College tuitions would be waived. In lieu of tuitions, students would sustain the college by volunteering in various roles.
13. Television programming would be interrupted by breaking news (herein keeping the original word news) with video footage of cute babies and baby animals.
14. All workplace pizza parties will be null and void. Instead of pizza, employees will be given wallets full of cash.
15. In the event I could no longer serve as Commander, I would choose the incumbent in a spirited game of duck, duck, goose.

My name is Carmen and I approve this message. 🙂